LOST

I managed to finish work yesterday at quite a reasonable time. It was a tough day, what with the bus saga, the accountant coming (had to hide my in trays to stop her nosing through them), so when I got home, after putting the dishes away, sweeping up, putting washing out, putting washing away etc, I decided a little lay on the bed with my book was in order. After reading two pages I could feel my eyes closing.

 Now I could have given into a little siesta but it was such a nice evening I decided to go exploring with Ice. I couldn't take the chihuahuas as they are a bit too unruly and out of control so I decided I'd just take Ice. The problem I had was I haven't got collars and leads for my dogs, they have always run freely but with the neighbour situation which incidentally is going very well, I decided I needed to make a lead and collar.

The nearest thing I had was an old horses lunge line, which was full of knots and frayed but hey ho, a makeshift collar and lead were put on Ice, real Dingle style. The lead worked quite well and I kept  her on it, as it was long and then there was no danger of her accosting farmers, as shes a bit partial to the taste of farmers. I once caught her pinning a farmer up against his jeep. I should have gone to rescue him but that could have lead to more trouble so I hid behind the fence of my house which was covered with Ivy and pretended it wasn't my dog, she eventually let him go. Karma had its way though as the Ivy gave me a rather nasty rash.

We set off, successfully negotiating our way past the neighbours dogs which no major incident and off we went down a track. I have to admit even though I'm not into any form of exercise I started off down the track, jogging. I had to stop after a few minutes though as I heard somebody clapping. Turns out it was just my back boobs clashing together!

 This walk was amazing. I passed lots of interesting things, like a whole field full of pomegranates trees, lots of wild flowers, a random wooden chair and a white clio whose occupants were obviously doing something dodgy.

Before I knew it we'd been walking for an hour and I realised we were hopelessly lost. The path I was on seemed to go on forever with no left turns, which was the direction of home. I was walking towards Gandia!!!! YIKES!!!! Ice was getting tired, my shoes, had worn a bit thin & had stones digging in them, I was hot, sweaty and in desperate need of a drink. Ice found a nice puddle to drink our of but to be honest I didn't fancy it. I did start to get a bit panicky, I hadn't told Harry I was going walking as I only planned to go for 15 minutes and he'd be worrying as he knows how accident prone I am. I eventually phoned Rich ( who pissed himself laughing that I was lost) for some advice as to where I might be. He had no idea but luckily just after the phone call I came to a left turn which lead me back to my original path, eventually. Phew!!!!

We got home tired and thirsty, I found muscles I didn't know I had but I'm glad I got lost and was out for so long. Feeling fab now and looking forward to another adventure with Ice again today. Chihuahuas were not so impressed, took them a good hour to forgive me for not taking them! Oh and lost 2lbs!!!!

Battle of the Buses & a Spy in the Camp

Well the Fat Controller at the Buses has continued to block our garage in the evening. One of his people came in though and told us that he's ordered his drivers to do so. You can't blame the drivers they are just being dictated to.

Now whilst my boys fantasize about smashing his face in which would be a bit unrealistic considering his size and the size of my boys I have another plan. No, not disabling his buses in 2 seconds flat, outside our garage so they stay there much longer than anticipated or parking an old banger outside his nave at midnight. Although tempting, no. We could always just get our cars out and close our doors before the buses arrive but I've told my boys to kill him with kindness.

The plan being to accost The Fat Controller, hopefully in front of his staff and tell him that we believe he's a reasonable man and explain we are really trying to keep to his parking rules and are sorry if sometimes our customers don't always get it right but we are on to it as soon as we notice and tell him we really want to help make it easy for his buses and if there's anything more we can do .............

In my mind if we don't fuel his fire then really that puts us in control, which is of course where we want to be.

Watch this space ...............................

Dinner and Mobile Phones don't mix

Well I was going to talk about R.O.B's today but I'm going to save that one for you as I have something far more pressing on my mind.

Whilst out for dinner, at a rather nice Indian restaurant in Pego, we'd just finished our starters, mine a rather solid vegetable samosa (have had better at that restaurant) & Richs, a shish kebab (also had better), when a family came in and sat opposite.There was the Dad was mid forties, like ourselves and the son, who you could tell was the son as his body language, said so and the sons girlfriend (looked very timid and uncomfortable). 'Well here we are day two of your holiday' said the Dad whilst the kids got their phones out, ready for the off. There was another five minutes conversation discussing the menu, they went for menu del dia and a bottle of house rose and by the time our main course had arrived they had got the wifi code off the sweet little Indian girl and the rest of their meal was in silence whilst they all tapped away on their phones, including the Dad. I found it very hard to keep my gob shut and not say something to them. Bet its going to be a looooooooong holiday for them, especially if they have to keep finding wifi spots.

How sad is todays society that they can't enjoy a meal together with conversation & without phones. Its just sooooo rude. Why do people do this? Is it because families have dinners on their laps and don't sit around a table together? I'm never going to win Mother of the Year award (according to my kids but they're still alive, aren't they?) but I've always insisted on family meal times and still do. OK, its not always, well hardly ever, a jovial affair but we do sit and talk. I just feel very sad for all the families missing out on each others lives due to phones.

You only have one life and you only have one family. So if you are reading this on your phone, whilst eating your dinner, on your lap, STOP IT!!!!

BUS DRIVERS

As many of you know, we have had a garage in Ondara for a year now. We chose our Nave (warehouse) as it has plenty of parking. Its kind of  what us English would in call a cul de sac. It looked like we didn't have neighbours when we viewed it, even better! You know how I feel about neighbours. Once we moved in though we soon realised that we did, indeed have neighbours but that was kool.

We've had a whole year working in harmony with our neighbours, the water company (Spanish company who are meant to be moving but not sign of it. Got a police inspection once and the rumours went around that they were really drug dealers), tile maker (German guy who goes to Richs shooting club), dodgy guy who has his nave permanently locked (probably not dodgy but makes it sound more interesting), sign writers (sell very expensive vinyl) and the bus company (lots of big buses. One of the drivers fancies Mike).

To be fair, we have over taken the place with our cars, for every one that goes out 5 arrive! However if ever there is a car making it difficult for the buses to enter, we move it, straight away even if we're doing something important like messaging friends on Facebook.

Rich & Mike got into conversation with the owner of the bus company last week and he explained how nobody had been allowed to park opposite our nave, in the past. Didn't think much of it as there is plenty of room but the next day he came out shouting and screaming that we weren't allowed to park opposite our Nave because suddenly he's the Fat Controller and Parking Police, which, you must understand is a very important job which he is taking very seriously. Now it seems, from this week, we can't park anywhere except outside our own garage. We think maybe you get a years free parking pass then you get put on a ban. Must some some Spanish law that we don't know about yet. The Fat Controller also has an assistant, Mrs Fat Controller. Now there's a lady that can yell and scream! I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that!

After being severely told off yesterday for parking nowhere near our garage or his, The Fat Controller decided to pick on Brian. Poor old Brian, 89 if he's a day, dared to park opposite our nave whilst he came in to book an appointment. Shortly after he came in, one of the buses peeped his horn in a continuous, obnoxious manner, much more than necessary, as Brian had dared to park in the invisible no parking zone. Brian shot out, feisty old devil waving his firsts and cursing like a sailor, told the driver he could wait, came calmly back in, finished his conversation with me, about his guinea pig (a girl) who he took to the vets as it had a growth on its tummy, which the vet said was heart failure but he took it home and the next day it gave birth to 5 babies. Sadly the babies were deformed as the rabbit it had mated with was its brother which had been to the vet before to confirm it was a girl. Are you following???? So it got shagged by its brother who should have been its sister. He then went outside, got in his car, did a bit more hand gesturing, stared the driver out, who got most upset and peeped his horn some more.Bloody chaos it was.

THEN, they parked 3 buses outside our nave for 2 hours, last night so we couldn't get out! Rich is plotting his revenge, if we have a repeat performance and those buses won't be going anywhere!!!! lol (the revenge thing is just in his head by the way).

Ruined day

My day is ruined and its only 8.40! Driving down our track this morning when I came head to head with the naked farmer (in his car, black mondeo). We kind of looked at each other and he just kept coming. Now, if I'd been a smoker, at this point I'd have rolled a fag and sat it out but as you know, I'm not, so I furiously slammed in reverse only to realise I had the roof up on my cabrio and its had a new roof fitted but Rich hasn't cut out the window hole, so its like driving a van. Now, I suffer from lack of spacial awareness at the best of times but being angry and now being watched made it ten times worse! It wasn't long before I was skimming boulders, trying to find first gear (car has a problem going into first, unless you are in second, then its a bit easier) to correct myself, failing to find first, doing a bit of gear grinding, gettting very flustered. Not very good for my high blood pressure, first thing in the morning. I eventually managed to wedge myself up against a cactus so he could pass and then give a false little smile and wave whilst really wanting to smash his face in! Think its time to get my Landrover back on the road, nobody will argue with that and its automatic so no gear problems.

The weekend

I actually had a day off yesterday, although when I say a day off, I actually worked harder than if I was a work. I’m a partner in a garage in Spain and my job is amongst other things isto listen to customers talk at me and jesus can some talk! I’ve even met some that talk more than me!!! Really!!!

 We have one customer who we are convinced is stalking us. It all started off OK. He came in wanting a service on his car, he requested a proper service which in his opinion, must take at least two hours to qualify as a proper service. I didn’t want to burst his bubble so I let him wander off to look around, god knows where for two hours whilst Rich performed the service which with his vast experience only takes around 20 mins. Customer came back happy as Larry as we had done a ‘proper’ service. Customer came back the following week asking where he could buy screws from ……………….!!!!! Ermmm Aki maybe, Chinese Bizarre???? Ask somebody on the street FFS, you do not have to make a 15 minute journey to us to ask, really! I think the mistake I made was engaging him in conversation for some ½ hours when he first came in. Over the weeks this customer came in for any kind of excuse, always enagaging me in lengthly conversation mainly about France, his Ex’s (there were 3), dogs and how many people he’d hit in his life (1, which was a woman). It also appeared he’d done every job I cared to mention (tinker, tailer, soldier, sailor), had had every car, been to every country, you get the idea. He came in one morning telling us that somebody had jumped over his fence and stolen his car key, not the car funnily enough, just the key and then we got chapter and verse how he knew it was his nutty neighbour and he was going to put razor wire on his fence, yeah that would show her!  The car came and a new key was purchased and programmed by an electronics expert, Ed. During this time, Ian turned up 4 times saying that we were doing it wrong and it wouldn’t work. Rich who is chief customer preventance manager actually told him to fuck off!!!! Which he did and kept a low profile for a day whilst we did what we do, FIX things. One Saturday morning Rich & I were in Aki when we spotted him and spent half an hour playing cat n mouse up the isles trying to avoid him, which we did. He came in on Monday morning to inform us that he’s seen us drive into Aki and and come in to say hello but couldn’t find us!!! Anyway, said customer, came in at least once a week for the last year but recently his had a real problem with his car, which incidently is a skoda. We fixed the problem but the next day it came back with a different problem. Ian had had his car re-mapped in the UK and Rich found a bunch of dodgy looking wires, held together with masking tape Rich suggested that there was probably a problem with the wires but Ian was adamant that Rich mustn’t touch those wires as they were fitted by a very trusted mechanic 10 years ago and have been perfect for the last 10 years. Rich gently suggested it maybe the wires have corroded but no, he wasn’t allowed to touch the wires. Ian had self diagnosed the alternator but Rich persuaded him to leave it with us for a day for him to test it. Whilst it was with us Rich touched the sacred bunch of wires and what do you know? There was a fault, which he duly fixed and gave Ian his car back.  Whilst all this was going on Ian used every opportunity, usually 4 times a day, to ring me and check his booking dates (sometimes 3 times a day), find out how his car was and even book in his partners car .The car was running perfect after the wires were fixed but Ian is still insisting on us fitting an alternator so we’re letting him spend €400 on an alternator to shut him up.

So yesterday I do what I do every weekend and clean the house, move the furniture to a different position, inevitably move it back, change the bed etc.  Some how it seems to take me around 4 hours to do all this WTF!!! We live in a two bedroom, 1 bathroom house. AND why is it that as soon as I’ve made the bed one of the dogs jumps up especially to vomit on the freshly laundered sheets???? That’s just so annoying.

We went out last night which is quite a rarity these days. Mummio & Daddio have a friend over and we all decided to go to the Gobble n Go. The Gobble n Go probably isn’t quite as exciting as it may sound. Its actually called The Wok and is a Chinese buffet. We call it the Gobble n Go as you eat it all very quickly then bugger off back home in time to watch X Factor. For your first experience Its always best to go with somebody who has done this before as the etiquette can be a little confusing. You get shown to a table, last night our was a round one which was very pleasing as it enables group conversation. You then get offered a drink, Mummio & I shared a fairly crap bottle of white which funnily enough improved after the first glass, so much so we drank a second (bottle that is)! Everybody waits in anticipation, until somebody on your table says go then everybody rushes up like greyhounds out of a trap to raid the buffet. They are quite clever though, they give you very small plates to disgourage over eating but it often back fires as the greedy bastards go up repeatledy, I know this because Mummio counts if she spots a serial muncher. Last night, I think there was an Elvis convention going on, there was quite a few men with receding hairlines, bouffant hair dyed balck, open neck shirt with a splidge of hair poking out. One even had black hair with grey roots! You could tell they were English but mainly by their stereo typical wives, its like all the couples were cloned. The wives were pleasantly plump and a bit more, covered in old fashioned tattoos and sporting kind of a mahogany short hair do. It was quie bizzare really. Any way after you have your starter or first plate of nosh, you retain your cutlery (weird I know but it’s a Spanish thing) and you go up for round two whilst the nice Chinese people take your first plate away and you repeat this process until you physically can’t move any more. You then pay the bill which is usually €11 a head plus drink and waddle off home, complaining that you’ve ate too much, to sit on the sofa, down more wine and for the men & Mummio – have a good fart!!!!!

The storm

What a storm last night! At one point I got up to pour some more wine, from the small table with the silver legs, by the bathroom and BANG!!!! I thought I’d been shot! It did get me wondering though, if I really was to get shot at THAT point, would I have been scared? I guess not because one doesn’t really expect to get shot when pouring the wine (a nice South African Chardonnay) into ones hugely expensive wine glass (inherited from Mummio) on a stormy Friday night and two, who would actually want to shoot me? Hmmm, that’s a tricky one. I guess there maybe various Ex’s that hate my guts but love and hate are a close thing. I can’t imagine anybody actually wanting me dead for Ex type crimes, you know like leaving the lid off the tooth paste, crashing their car (yep I have done that! Brand new saab 93 cabrio and I took the side out in Tescos carpark in Coventry. Hugely embarrassing  and if the partner of the time had have been mildly interested in sex, it would have been a lot of blow jobs owed) or mild infidelity! In fact is there such a thing as ‘mild infidelity’? Does that mean kissing or just texting/fb ing with intent? I guess I could be guilty, in the past of mild infidelity, not now though, I couldn’t think of anything worse now. In the past though I always had to have somebody ‘lurking’ in the back ground, waiting in the wings incase my crap relationship at the time was to go wrong (as if, hahahaha). Quite often the ones waiting in the wings would get pissed off and find somebody new which was always a bit annoying to be honest as I then had to recruit a new’ in the wings’ person which isn’t as easy as it may seem, let me tell you. You can go online and join one of these dating sites and pretend to be single but unless you are prepared to take pic of you fanny as a profile pic, you may not get any hits. I couldn’t actually imagine going through the process of taking pictures of my fanny, Christ I’m not sure I can even see it these days, over my belly. Imagine having to get the most up to date ‘hair style’ which is what these days? Brazillian? Clean shaven? Afro? Neat trim? Fuck knows!!!  Then you have to set your self in the best surroundings, probably not your garden amongst the tulips where the neighbours can see you. Maybe the bedroom, but make sure your partners slippers aren’t in the frame or maybe one leg cocked up on the bath? Its not really like taking a face selfie though, is it? which we all know has to be taken up high to eliminate your double chin, this would have to be taken low, at close range!!! YIKES!!! Imagine being judged on your fanny rather than your face, although I’m guessing there are some women out there with prettier fannys than faces.  I only know all this about the dating sites,  as my step son to be told me and showed me a photo of one, he’d been sent, I didn’t even know what it was!!!  Very strange behaviour, in the dating game these days.  You could also meet people the old fashioned way, you know like work although that wouldn’t work for me these days as I work with my Fiancee & sons! So really it’s a good job I’m not recruiting for a’ in the wings’ type person and if I have got one, I don’t know about it! Anway going back to who would want to shoot me, I think if it wasn’t a random stranger, wanting my worldly goods, which obviously it would be, then it would have to be either a jealous partner of an ex (hahahaha as if) but I do fantasise Blondie (can't put real name) is jealous of me but in reality she looks too bloody perfect to even contemplate.  It could even be a work competitor and lets face it, they have LOADS to be jealous of and there are plenty of dodgy mechanics around. Yes I think that’s who it would be.