The storm

What a storm last night! At one point I got up to pour some more wine, from the small table with the silver legs, by the bathroom and BANG!!!! I thought I’d been shot! It did get me wondering though, if I really was to get shot at THAT point, would I have been scared? I guess not because one doesn’t really expect to get shot when pouring the wine (a nice South African Chardonnay) into ones hugely expensive wine glass (inherited from Mummio) on a stormy Friday night and two, who would actually want to shoot me? Hmmm, that’s a tricky one. I guess there maybe various Ex’s that hate my guts but love and hate are a close thing. I can’t imagine anybody actually wanting me dead for Ex type crimes, you know like leaving the lid off the tooth paste, crashing their car (yep I have done that! Brand new saab 93 cabrio and I took the side out in Tescos carpark in Coventry. Hugely embarrassing  and if the partner of the time had have been mildly interested in sex, it would have been a lot of blow jobs owed) or mild infidelity! In fact is there such a thing as ‘mild infidelity’? Does that mean kissing or just texting/fb ing with intent? I guess I could be guilty, in the past of mild infidelity, not now though, I couldn’t think of anything worse now. In the past though I always had to have somebody ‘lurking’ in the back ground, waiting in the wings incase my crap relationship at the time was to go wrong (as if, hahahaha). Quite often the ones waiting in the wings would get pissed off and find somebody new which was always a bit annoying to be honest as I then had to recruit a new’ in the wings’ person which isn’t as easy as it may seem, let me tell you. You can go online and join one of these dating sites and pretend to be single but unless you are prepared to take pic of you fanny as a profile pic, you may not get any hits. I couldn’t actually imagine going through the process of taking pictures of my fanny, Christ I’m not sure I can even see it these days, over my belly. Imagine having to get the most up to date ‘hair style’ which is what these days? Brazillian? Clean shaven? Afro? Neat trim? Fuck knows!!!  Then you have to set your self in the best surroundings, probably not your garden amongst the tulips where the neighbours can see you. Maybe the bedroom, but make sure your partners slippers aren’t in the frame or maybe one leg cocked up on the bath? Its not really like taking a face selfie though, is it? which we all know has to be taken up high to eliminate your double chin, this would have to be taken low, at close range!!! YIKES!!! Imagine being judged on your fanny rather than your face, although I’m guessing there are some women out there with prettier fannys than faces.  I only know all this about the dating sites,  as my step son to be told me and showed me a photo of one, he’d been sent, I didn’t even know what it was!!!  Very strange behaviour, in the dating game these days.  You could also meet people the old fashioned way, you know like work although that wouldn’t work for me these days as I work with my Fiancee & sons! So really it’s a good job I’m not recruiting for a’ in the wings’ type person and if I have got one, I don’t know about it! Anway going back to who would want to shoot me, I think if it wasn’t a random stranger, wanting my worldly goods, which obviously it would be, then it would have to be either a jealous partner of an ex (hahahaha as if) but I do fantasise Blondie (can't put real name) is jealous of me but in reality she looks too bloody perfect to even contemplate.  It could even be a work competitor and lets face it, they have LOADS to be jealous of and there are plenty of dodgy mechanics around. Yes I think that’s who it would be.